aaAHAHHAHAHA

Yesterday, I was too lazy to shower so right before I went to bed i washed my face. And to not get any of my hair wet I tied it up in a small ponytail and put on a headband that I had for years. 

but gUUUUurrrlLLLLLL wow w00w GUurrrlll W0W. for some reason out of all those years of having that headband for the first time ever I took some time to look at the headband more closely.. AND GURLLLLLLLLL there was a crown on the side (which i kind of noticed a long time ago but never really took the care to examine it well) and when I FLIPPED THAT DANG CUTE LITTLE PIECE OF METAL OVER IT SAID “J-ESTINA”

take some time to let that sink in guys (jk who reads this AHAHAH)

BUT THE REASON WHY I WAS LIKE HOLLA TO THE MAMA IN THE LLAMA WAS CUZ THAT SHIT IS EXPENSIVE. 

AND I KINDA WATCH ALL THEIR CF’S (especially the one with kim soo hyun and kaya scodelario <— which who i think does not match well with my beloved hubby but i guess is pretty decent looking… frack ok she is beautiful) 

AND YEAH SO NOW I HAVE 2 J-ESTINA STUFF SOMEONE HOLLA AT ME (cuz i see no immediate holla i shall give myself a holla: “hollA LLAMA”

<3333333 u dont understand the joy i got by just flipping that dang piece of metal CUZ IT TOTALLY CHANGED MY VIEWS OF THAT HEADBAND AND NOW IT IS IN DELICATE AND CAREFUL HANDS OF MINE. 

*still crying over the magnificence*

(ps to the future me who reads this: yes i am weird and a little to overly happy over a headband)

Wait a second,
Why should you care, what they think of you
When you’re all alone, by yourself, do you like you?
Do you like you?

You don’t have to try so hard
You don’t have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don’t have to change a single thing

You don’t have to try so hard
You don’t have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don’t have to change a single thing

Colbie Caillat, Try

Pots

The pots you broke a few days ago has only been realized today and you have brought utter dejection to someone very special. Although she has not much, she enjoys simple objects such as flowers and mini trees in pots… and now that I think about it, those were little moments of her life that made her happy. Like in the book The Raisin in the Sun, Mama cares for the only plant she has, lovingly because it is the only hope that carries her through her life. It is her hope. Yet today I realized that this idea of hope can be your sense of escape or your inlet of hell. She who has discovered that her pots have been shattered into a million pieces and thrown in the garbage today, is completely destroyed. Although the money she invested may be small, to her it is almost all she has. Once she pays off the bills, she is left almost penniless despite the amount of work she does. Yet you don’t know this because you are so incredibly stupid. I gave you a fair warning yet you don’t listen to the words. You see those pots as little obstacles in your life once again, and you intend to break them to move on forward. But you see, you continue to dwell in the past and I can see it when you buy the beef soup from LA and when you tell me you regret moving here. Even when someone texts you, you are concerned about the next thing to type. You deviate within the social norms of society because even though you are older than anyone in this house, you are fearful of the world your brother horrified you with when you were younger. So you break those pots to cleanse your body that is not even tired or worn out.

Sophmoritis?

I think there comes a time in any point of anyone’s lives where there is no point in going on; no point in giving it any more hope. You just learn to accept the harsh reality there is to it and move on. My friend a few days ago had told me something in hopes to lift my spirits: “If you tried your best, that’s all that matters.” Though she may never read this I want to thank her. Thank you for giving myself a chance to reflect on myself and learn to let things go. Ive learned that these numbers and letters don’t represent my true identity.
Overall I’m very excited for what the future holds and hope to be happy.

And Kayla if you get to read this, thanks for always supporting me and giving me joy in my life. I sometimes wonder why I was blessed with such an amazing friend because you understand me so much more than anyone else in this world. You let me understand to love the simple pleasures of life rather focusing on the things that concern us, so thank you. ♡

She wants to hear my voice

We dial the number on the phone hoping that she picks up just so that we can listen to the voice that is always so worried. We know she is hiding things to us but she always responds defiantly, “Don’t worry, I am alright here. Just make sure that you are healthy. Don’t eat greasy foods. Do you need anything? I’ll get it for you-“

And we stop her there. My mom passes the phone to me and I always say these words to her “—- are you alright there? Please be healthy and I miss you.”

On the other side of the phone, she listens to me, she waits for me. I know I have so much more to say to her but I only say the words I always say when I get passed the phone; “Please be healthy and I miss you.” 

I always pray for her health and that hopefully she won’t have any medical issues. And that I will see her one day, maybe not this year, but hopefully very soon.

And this prayer goes in every one of mine. 

She tells me to promise her to “Study hard so that you can stay here with me. So that you can come and work here.” 

And my eyes start to formulate little teardrops that try so hard to not fall because I wistfully long for where she is. 

One day I want to say something different to her on the phone, “I am ready to come.”

And one day that will happen, grandma, it will happen very soon. Just you wait for me with open arms.